Truth.

What are these? Tears? What in the hell is going on with me? I've got tons to look forward to, just started an amazing new job, and I just got a new car, whoop whoop! (who doesn't like a shiny, brand-new ride?). And, sometimes, all I want to do is freaking cry.

The other night, I was in a horrible mood. I couldn't get comfortable. My back hurt. And, basically, I was just mad at everything around me because it was there. Typically, when I feel sad or angry, I get real quiet because, honestly, I really don't want to say anything I'll regret. (P.S. Doesn't always work.) So, I was silently brooding, trying to keep my snappy words to a minimum, when I finally just gave up and headed upstairs to just go to sleep and get over it already.

Taylor, my ever-patient husband, followed me up, sat on the edge of the bed, and asked if I was okay. (Or something along those lines.) And I just couldn't hold back anymore. I just started bawling. Not like quiet tears streaming down your face, but like full-blown-hiccups bawling. I couldn't stop! It was ridiculous and embarrassing, and did I mention ridiculous?

Taylor had his face screwed up tight in an expression that I could tell was holding back laughter. Usually, that would piss me off even more, because, hello, I'm obviously a mess here. But after finally just letting it out, I thought it was pretty hilarious too.

So, what did my emotions all boil down to? I guess it's because so much is different for me, and it's a sudden and drastic change. Not only that, but hormones have a tendency to wreak havoc lately.

I have so many limitations and things about my body that I can't control, two things that I've never had to deal with. I used to be able to go, go, go all day and be fine. Now? If I don't stop and take rest breaks, I'll pay for it the next two days. I have to pee in the middle of the night, every night. I don't remember the last time I slept through the night without waking, either because of an overactive bladder or because I just couldn't get comfortable. Also, I've got a bump, which I love, but sometimes I also just feel fat and lethargic, something I've always been able to control and now can't.

Now these are all things that are normal. I know this. Duh. But still. Your emotions don't exactly follow the wonderful line of logic.

I know, I know. It'll all be okay. Blah, blah blah. Honestly, from the eyes of a pregnant women, being laughed at is so much better than being comforted. It turns your discomfort into a comical, even if it's a natural, situation and makes the whole thing a little bit easier and a lot more fun. 

That's why I love Taylor so much. Instead of trying to keep me from crying (for no reason, whatsoever, I might add), he did his best to make me laugh instead.

Branching off of that....

I've heard people say they loved every moment of being pregnant.
You're liars, all of you! 

Just kidding.

But seriously.  

Taylor, always curious, asked me last night what it was like to be pregnant. If I actually felt the weight of something "else" in my belly. I definitely do, and while it's awesome, it can also be pretty uncomfortable. It was funny because he was trying to put himself in my shoes, and he said he'd probably feel violated. Yeah, that's the exact word he used.

I really had to laugh at that (still am laughing), because while that might be a strong word for it, it can ring close to home in some moments. (Plus it's just funny hearing that come from a guy's mouth.) It's amazing and wonderful to be pregnant, but, as I knew before (my mom worked labor and delivery for years), it's not all glowing and contemplative grins.

***

  

Taking things too seriously really just drives me nuts. So, honestly, most of this rambling is a way to make fun of myself on this hilarious and amazing turn we've taken in our lives to lead us on a new journey. It's my way of laughing at myself, so instead of letting my emotions hormones and this huge change overwhelm me, I can lighten my mood and anxieties and turn them into something I can reread six months down the road and laugh about.

Cheers!

So you're having a baby...

It's one of those surreal moments that make you feel as if you are walking through someone else's life. I'm sure most people imagine the day they become pregnant, all the way up until the time they get handed a little red, wrinkly bundle of joy in the delivery room. But no matter how much you think your imagination can prepare you, there is nothing like the truth of it hitting you full force.

I've never been one of those people that was absolutely sure I wanted to have children. I'd go back and forth, and to me, my fickleness proved that I wasn't ready. I'm 26, and the older I get, the more I revel in having the freedom to do my thing. I didn't even know if it was physically possible for me to have kids for several reasons, and while that idea was saddening, I wasn't devastated.

But you know, that day absolutely came, and it was kind of a surprise. I guess I honestly didn't think it would ever happen. I paced around the house for hours after seeing that little plus sign, a mix of laughter and tears and pure terror. Is this real? What the heck is happening?

After you find out you're pregnant, time moves fast and slow simultaneously. When you think pregnant, all you see is a huge belly and a waddle, but of course, that doesn't happen right away, making the idea even more strange. You still look the same, still feel the same, but nothing is the same. This lack of a sudden, huge baby belly makes the idea that there is life inside you even harder to believe.

Then BAM! You're poor husband spends his evenings alone because you can't keep your eyes open past 6:30. You're eating every couple of hours, and just the mere though of cooked meat makes you want puke your guts out, forcing you into semi-vegetarianism. Your bras get snugger, and much to your dismay, so do your cute skinny pants. Basically, you're exhausted and you feel fat and like your body has completely lost its friggin' mind.

Now here's where the "time-goes-by-fast" part comes in. Ticking off the weeks, and I'm amazed that I've made it through the first trimester. 14 weeks this Sunday, and, even though a little bump is becoming more prominent, I'm beginning to feel more like myself. It's starting to feel real after seeing the baby move in the ultrasound and setting a date to find out the gender. Heck-yes we are finding out! My grandmother sounded appalled when I told her, but in this day and age, why not? Besides, patience is not much of virtue for either me or my husband when it comes to something so exciting.

So yeah, I went from "Holy crap, what did we get ourselves into?" to being stoked. Once you see that little bugga on the black-and-white screen and you have a picture of him/her hanging on your fridge, the reality doesn't feel so weird anymore and every day is something to look forward to.

Backaches, headaches, ravenous appetite and all.

Now, I'm off for my two mile walk, because I will never take my precious energy for granted ever again.


Cheers!